Some say that conversion to Christianity is a submission to a feeling, a pathos, and atheism is a submission to logic and reason. But in my experience, it is the other way around. When I was an atheist, which I kind of hid under the name “agnostic,” truly grappling with the existence of God, I screamed at Him, cussed at Him, blamed Him for the violence and the blood and the trauma. Then I disbelieved in Him because he did not answer my screaming, my anger, my sadness. Then, after a while of living away from the Spirit of Life and feeling the death of this privation, I, then, started to really ponder after I was done painting one day. I used to paint these black and white: these dark paintings that truly reflected the state of my spirit, and I had a moment. This painting was just a white canvas before I created it into something meaningful. The origins of this painting come from me and me alone, and left upon this wall, hundreds of years from now, someone will know that someone painted it. It did not originate from a chemical reaction, or some sort of cosmic explosion. This intelligent work originates from an intelligent mind. Then I pondered upon the house that I was in; now, hundreds of years from now, if this house still stands, this house itself is evidence of intelligent hands who made it. Now, then, I started to look upon the trees, the grass, and the greatest work of art in this world: nature itself. This has evidence of an intelligent mind who created such beauty and so on.
I was very critical of the Bible with my secularly sick mind. I hated the idea of it, with its “outdated” views. Then I thought to myself, if I want to disprove such a book, I must actually read it. Then I opened up to Matthew Chapter 5:
“Then He opened His mouth and taught them, saying: ‘Blessed are the poor in spirit, For theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek, For they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, For they shall be filled. Blessed are the merciful, For they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, For they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, For they shall be called sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, For theirs is the kingdom of heaven.’“
No words can describe what I felt then. I grew up with a father, I truly have the best father out there. But I would assume it is like growing up without a father and meeting him for the first time, and hearing the soothing words of his voice. A man’s natural state is with his creator, in this moment it struck me like lightning what true life is, and that is with God.
“I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing.”
I tried all worldly escapes: lust, political obsession, the vanity of bodybuilding and looksmaxxing, embitterment, unsmiteable anger, pornography, etc. But these escapes from the world are the world itself; there is but only one true escape and exit from this world, and that is Jesus Christ. The ladder to Him is the ladder of love; it is growing in love for Him. Salvation is the path of imitation, imitation of He who is true love.
All the things I mentioned, atheism or secularism told you are perfectly normal and ‘natural.’ Even in middle school, I was told that it is normal and even beneficial to look at porngraphy, but even in an objective scientific lens, it is a killer of your mind and does irreversible damage to how you interact with women. The secular world tells us that it is normal and beneficial to consume such spiritual cancer, and then this same world questions why virtue and gentlemen no longer exist. The gentlemen were Christian men, which this world has made less of. They taught them, out of the womb, that they are nothing more than animals, and somehow we are surprised that they act accordingly.
An atheist I knew got very angry at me for praying for him; I was confused on why that was such an issue if he does not believe that it does anything. He said anger was a natural emotion, and it is an inherent good to let out these emotions how they naturally come. I saw the old man that was once me in him, and I knew the death he felt. My old professor, who was a doctor in english, gave a lecture on some sort of theme in literature about the monastic life:
“Lust is natural to the body; it is like hunger. You cannot stop your stomach from growling; therefore, you cannot stop your body from acting. We are just animals amongst other animals.”
This is the way I used to think when I was an atheist, but with basic reason, this is completely idiotic. If you starve, you die; if you starve the beast, you truly live. For lust is completely contrary to love; lust, by its nature, is hate, because you seek to use for your own debased desires. You deduce a soul all the way down to an object to use to fulfill your addictions. How is this love, when love is not self seeking? I would say a person cannot have virtue if they believe themselves to be nothing more than a beast. If you cannot control your lust, you are like the dog who humps the legs of anything it sees.
We have this hole in our lives that nothing can fill. Fill it with worldly pleasures, and you’ll continually end up empty, even though it might fill it for a time. There is only one piece to the puzzle that fits the complexity of our grasping: and that is the creator of heavens and the vast beauty of our world. The one who created you with his own hands, and had those same hands pierced for your sake. Know death, and you will seek life; God is that life. For what more is the gospel about? What is the goal of this life? Is it nothing more than faith? Is it nothing more than death? Is it sexual ecstasy, as the dead say? Is it a political ideal, as blind say? Is it the ascension of the face and body, as the influencers say? These are nothing more than pitch black alleys on the way to the true destination. For there can be no life outside of God, since God is the giver of both spiritual and physical life. Physical life, as we know, is temporary, but spiritual life is what lives forever. The spiritual life transcends the physical life. The true life of a person is not the heart beat; it isn’t the carnal “ascension,” as the ‘looks-maxxers’ say; it isn’t how you look, for that will fade and die like all things. It is what transcends all things that are physical, and that is God.